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Humor in American Literature Weekly World Enquirer / Intergalactic Exclusive Elvis, Wacko Jacko, and the Beatles Really are From Another Planet!!! In a bombshell development, Weekly World Enquirer has learned the following startling facts: Elvis, 71, is dead yet he remains alive. Paul, 63, is still alive, but he’s also dead. Michael Jackson, 47, never did have any plastic surgery, despite the amazing transformation of his face. How can this be? The shocking truth? They are all aliens. Sources say these rock superstars all come from the planet Nirodian--where everybody is musical. They wanted to share their amazing ability to do music with music lovers on earth. A startling discovery that will answer many unanswered questions confirms that these aliens have multiple lives and get placed in an Earthling woman’s womb as a single cell. They have a normal human gestation period and, when born, they are indistinguishable from Earthling babies. As they grow up, the are impossible to tell apart from Earthling kids aside from an amazing musical talent—and their ability to live up to seven lives. But not all humanoid aliens are good. Thoroughly reliable sources tell us that there is an evil group of aliens called the Monstrasans from the planet Monstraso. These aliens, better known to fans of Michael Jackson as “the Anti-Human Race,” were sent to sabotage the harmonious project of the Nirodian. Sources close to the case relate that the diabolical Monstrasans have all kinds of ways of making it impossible for the Nirodians to live in lasting union with the human race, some more secret than others. In this Weekly World Enquirer intergalactic exclusive, you will learn the shocking truth for the first time. Elvis Aaron Presley was born in Memphis, Tennessee to a human mother via a Nirodian implant. The golden-voiced country boy known as the King, was the first of the rock and roll Nirodian superstars. In 1953, at age 17, he decided to make a record for his mother and his performance was totally conventional, but later, when he was jamming with the studio’s guitarist and bassist, the producer of Sun Records overheard him, and he was suddenly given a record contract
by Earthling Colonel Tom Parker—his Nirodian musical talent had broken through his everyday American musical upbringing. It took Elvis three years to assure audience members he was white, because he sounded so bluesy, and it was well known in the fifties that whites had no rhythm or soul. In fact, little knowing of his Nirodian origins, people often asked him, “What planet are you from, Elvis?” The mere fact that Elvis hit it big in 1956 with several hits like “Heartbreak Hotel,” “Hound Dog,” “Don’t be Cruel,” and “Jailhouse Rock” is evidence that he was (and still is) a Nirodian—only a Nirodian could be that good. His tremendous and lasting fame also supports this. However, sources close to that’s planet’s history say that, although Elvis was a musical god on earth, for a Nirodian he was really just a little below average.
But when Elvis was drafted in 1957, our sources strongly indicate that the evil Monstrasans, aka the Anti- Human Race, were at their shocking work. The US Army of the mid-1950s was the perfect place to kill Elvis and make it look like an accident, or if that failed, to give people time to forget him. Elvis was gone for three years, and the Anti-Human Race left it to chance that he would be killed. Nevertheless, Elvis survived and so they sent a Monstrasan doctor to kill him. However the doctor chose a far more subtle approach: he gave Elvis uppers to relieve depression and downers to make him sleep. The doctor figured this would eventually be fatal, due to Elvis’s tendency to overdo everything—and not just the pork chops! Eventually the plan worked. Elvis took a little too much of everything for his system and died in 1969. Does that sound a bit early? Fortunately for Elvis, Nirodians typically have seven lives. Thus, Elvis was able to return to life, his first death unnoticed, and to continue his career—rising to new heights as a white-jump-suited Vegas diva with big hair. Unfortunately when he came back, he had gained weight—each death tends to make a Nirodian either thinner or fatter—you never know which. Sources say that Elvis he tried hard to keep it together, but he couldn’t get over his addiction and died a second time in 1977. This time his death-- enthroned, a king should be--was medically confirmed. When other Nirodians die on earth and their deaths are confirmed by Earthling doctors, they are exiled as a result back to Nirodia. However, Elvis refused to leave earth when he began his third life—why go back to Nirodia, where he would be just a little below average? Our most unimpeachable source says Elvis remained on earth, subject only to the agreement that he would stay out of the public
eye. This would seem to be easy, as one of consequences of reanimation is a change in appearance. Unfortunately Elvis couldn’t give up his old identity and kept wearing Elvis style jump suits and big hair and makeup. He was, in fact, impossible to tell-apart from an ordinary Elvis impersonator. Sources say that many people who claim to have seen Elvis alive really have done so, we just can’t be sure which ones. Reliable observers say that the real Elvis was last seen water-skiing on the back of the Loch Ness Monster. Musical history was also affected via the Nirodians and Monstraso via the Beatles. All the Beatles were from Nirodia, as over a period of a few years, several earthly Liverpool mothers received Nirodian implants. In the early years of the Beatles, Stuart Sutcliffe was the bassist While Paul McCartney and John Lennon both played rhythm guitar. Stuart also was a Nirodian.
However, Stuart got killed, not by the Anti-Human Race but because of a suddenly developed allergy to the earth’s atmosphere. Because of this allergy, he couldn’t come back to earth after his reanimation. And the Beatles thereby fortunately got rid of a really bad bass player—on Nirodia Stuart was WAY below average. Paul took over the bass-playing role, and he rest is history, or would be once Ringo joined the band. Pete Best, the Beatles drummer before Ringo Starr, was actually an Earthling. According to our sources, he was not supposed to be in the group. The only reason he was in there was that in 1960, when the then “Silver Beatles” needed a drummer the next day to go to Hamburg, Ringo was suffering from amnesia at the time as a result of a bout of peritonitis. In Nirodians this may produce odd side effects such as amnesia. The agents from Nirodia had to find and tell Richard Starkey that Ringo Starr was in fact his real Name not his nickname. He recovered a few years later, in time to join the Beatles replacing Pete Best—a really bad Earthling drummer who was always behind the beat.
However there was a Monstrasan plot to bump off the Beatles. In 1966 Dr Robert, a physician from Monstraso got all the Beatles hooked on LSD so that they would die sooner, after getting the idea from Bob Dylan’s offering them marijuana in late 64. The Beatles song “Dr. Robert” was about this so-called doctor--so cleverly disguised that they never suspected him as a Monstrasan agent until three years later. Yoko Ono was sent from Monstraso in yet another plot, this time to seduce John, and then kill him and make it look like an accident. But sources close to Yoko say that before she could kill John, she fell for his charms. They fell in love, married, and it seemed like the plan was foiled. Nevertheless that romantic attachment, combined with Paul’s attachment with earthling Linda Eastman and the death of Beatles Earthling manager Brian Epstein--an added bonus not actually planned by the anti human race (or so they say)- caused the Beatles to break up. Still, all of them were still alive, at least for the moment.
Although he is now very much alive, Paul was the first Beatle to be killed. He was first murdered in 1966 while on a motorcycle drive by a Monstrasan—but his death was unconfirmed by a human doctor and he still had six lives to go. But still rumors were rife about his death from 1967 on. And in all the Beatles albums there were evidence of the rumors of Paul’s death. The Nirodian Beatles, who with so many lives to play with, didn’t take death too seriously and treated this as a big joke. Sources say that insignia on Paul’s band uniform on Sgt Pepper was OPD, which meant officially pronounced dead. The words “number nine” from the song “Revolution Nine” when played backwards on the “White Album” sound like “turn me, on dead man.” John really thought that was a hoot. Paul wore a black rose on the Magical Mystery Tour song “Your Mother Should Know” and—in another lighthearted allusion to his own demise-- was barefoot on the album Abbey Road. Barefoot is how the Nirodians—and some earth cultures--bury their dead. Skeptics at the time claimed that all of these references to Paul’s death were coincidences, but sources close to the Weekly World Enquirer have now confirmed that all of these references were true.. In a shocking development, the evil Monstrasans finally managed to kill John Lennon in 1980. They did it by sending one of the most inconspicuous members of thee to kill him, an alien who could pass for an earthling, with the bogus name of John Chapman. The three surviving Beatles got together again in 1996, but the Monstrasans sent another agent to kill George. They attempted to kill him first by stabbing him in 1999, and then by making him sign a guitar when he had a stroke. Thus, according to sources, they finally killed off a second Nirodian Beatle and another Beatle reunion is no longer possible. At last we come to Wacko Jacko, the most chilling tale of Monstrasan intrigue of them all. Our sources indicate that Michael Jackson has been a pawn in the hands of the evil Monstrasans since well before puberty.
Originally Michael Jackson was from the planet Nirodian but in 1983 the Anti Human Race from the planet Monstraso implanted a computer chip to control his mind, after they had tried to kill him twice. Once with the Pepsi incident, when he caught on fire and both times it failed. The video Thriller was actually about Michael Jackson’s inner struggle with the computer chip from the Anti Human Race placed there in 1983. It finally fully controlled him when the record We are the World from USA for Africa sold a million copies, and he moved to Neverland ranch. In fact, the song “Heal the World” is really about his struggle with the Monstrasans. Most people think the chorus of this song goes: Heal the world Make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race But sources close to Jackson say he was really singing about the “Anti Human Race.” The reason Jacko said “Anti” was to warn Nirodians about his possible control. The Monstrasans tried to take him down several times but he always came back. Jackson always avoided a medical confirmation of his death. Usually Nirodians have seven lives, but some sources indicate that Jacko has actually been through 66 lives and counting, as his recent pictures clearly indicate.
According to an insider, earlier aliens included Mozart who was not killed by Antonio Salieri as many people have claimed but by a computer chip in Salieri’s mind sent from the planet Monstraso to control him. Once Mozart was dead, the chip in Salieri’s head turned itself off. Also related was the fact that the Nirodian Marx Brothers were virtually unharmed because they left the grand path of music to tread instead the lowly path of humor—only Zeppo, who took his singing seriously, suffered permanent damage. Incidentally the Marx Brothers were not wearing makeup in their 1930s movies. That was the actual way they looked. Reliable sources indicate that Harpo wore that big hair because he was trying to look more like an Earthling. But to return to our main topic: Elvis, the Beatles, and Michael Jackson. It’s more than a mere coincidence that these rock icons met their doom in unpredictable ways that made it impossible to perform their music. Evidence-- Michael Jackson’s alleged pedophilia, alleged plastic surgery, and alleged facial whitening. Evidence-- Elvis’s alleged death, alleged drug problem, and alleged weight problem. Evidence--the Bealtes alleged Breakup, and the alleged deaths of Paul, John and George. Fact: it was all the fault of the Monstrasans. What rock superstar—who is only an average guitar-picker on his home planet—will they strike next?
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